What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 00:10
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
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And i lived it daily.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
How do you weigh in on the Vance-couch conversation?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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All the time i was locked up.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Who then, do I blame.?
She married twice! .
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i do to all so called friends.?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I said to her
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I could never make a relationship work though!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But, we were locked up after school.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Would this be the day?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I have no regrets .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But it wasn’t much.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was scared of men, in general
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She found it foreign!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.